The Wonder Drug

I don't do drugs often, but when I do it's because I'm really tired and the coffee is paid for by the business. Yes, coffee, the life blood of many adults... I'm trying to give it up but it's not that easy. People keep offering me coffee and it would be rude to just refuse, right? Well obviously! It gets quite tempting when I haven't had enough sleep as well. Coffee is irrefutably a strong energy booster and I have heard that caffeine is a drug, so I suppose it might not actually be good for you? There are many whispers of side effects... Shaking, wide eyes, spontaneous combustion, and having to pee more often! Scary stuff... Oh hold on a sec, apparently the spontaneous combustion isn't true. Well, coffee doesn't seem so bad now, does it!?

An all-you-can-eat
floor flavoured food flood

So last night I left my dog home alone. She sure showed me the error of my ways! I found muddy paw prints on my car windows. Maybe she thought I would sneak back in and hide in there? Silly dog... Then she ripped apart the bag of dog food (thankfully not a full bag). Now she has to eat dried-out dog food for the next couple days. To give you an idea of how much effort she would've gone through in this endeavor, we keep the bag of food behind those bars and the gate was locked. She reached through the bars and tore the bag past them, annihilating it in the process... Ninja, you black female dog, you have outdone yourself!

That was a pain to clean up but I reckon I did a pretty good job. I shoveled it all into that big tub in the background. Ninja just watched. SO helpful Ninja. For good measure, as you can see, she tipped the watering can over to make a third of the food soggy and gross to have to pick up. Very gross.

Not as gross as the dead bird she had on Sunday though! There's a funny story... So my woman and my friend were visiting on Sunday. I took said bird from Ninja in the back garden, kept it out of their field of vision as I walked through he lounge, cool as a cucumber, placed it in an empty box, put the box in a bag, and threw the bag in the bin outside! I'm a legend, they suspected nothing B) Just in case you're curious I don't know if she killed the bird or if it was a cat... Although I'm pretty sure it was a cat. Little murderers!

On to greater subjects!

I have procrastinated long enough! So when I get home later this evening, after cooking supper and cleaning the kitchen at last, I will try to finish my first Mr. Immortal comic strip. Don't expect anything fancy but look forward to it anyway. Or else. And be happy, I'm excited here with you! We can be excited together! Good times...

Holidays draw ever nearer

Everything gets so much weirder

Streets are empty

Houses quiet

Sweets are brought

With whimpering diets

Happy holidays my dear readers

Yours in writing

Benjamin

Trapped like a rat

RATS

The time had come once again. Dad looked at his little calendar, hoping it was not so- but it was indeed the first of the new month. As our tradition dictates, it had to be the last born...

So we bathed him under the leaking faucet to cleanse and prepare him. We tried to skip the bathing once but the Gods were dis-pleased, taking 2 others with the fumes before the fire died down at last. Their lungs were too small to handle that thick smog...

Number 9 was now ready for the ceremony. (Mom and Dad didn't want to get too attached so they chose those kinds of names for us. I was Number 7)

10 at night, we gathered at the holy altar of metal and plastic to receive the blessings of the Gods. We were ready, but were we prepared? We'd done this dozens of times, we knew the procedure! We had lost so many to the blue flames, piercing our eyes each and every time... Our hearts were forged in steel. We should not have been swayed after all this time, yet we wept...

Number 9 looked confused, wondering why we were in a circle. Behind cover. Wearing our little glasses, prompting him towards the cheese-coated plastic in front of him. He never was a bright one, that Number 9... Dad looked down to his little watch and whispered under his breath:

"Oh Gods of ours, whiskered and laden with thick golden fur, supply us with what we need for survival. All we ask for is simply enough, slithers of food and plenty of luck. Keep the giants, clawed and flat-footed away. Let the cheese not be poisoned, the left-overs safe..."

Then in a thunderous voice: "GO NOW NUMBER 9! EAT THE CHEESE OF VALHALLA!!!"

With a chomp of those mighty jaws, our little Number 9 had a hasty passing. I believe it is best that he did not know this was coming, all lit up like a Christmas tree. I have only heard of such behemoths though, Dad says that the giants use them to pray to their own Gods. With the sacrifice of poor little Number 9 perhaps some day I, too, shall get a glimpse of this awe inspiring 'tree' of plastic and metal...

It was at this same time that Barbara noticed the lights dim for a split second. "Stupid electrician, botched up the wiring!" - she thought to herself while watching her favourite soapy on the telly. This small inconvenience had no lasting effects on Barbara.

RAT-a Paws, the
spirit-animal of Christmas.

FIN

Well, um... Don't do drugs! Or you may come up with things like this 0_O (P.S. I wasn't doing drugs when I wrote this, I'm just strange).

To clarify, this story is about a family of rats in a roof. I know it may have been a little confusing but please bear with my need for subtlety even if it hurts with all the confusion... Barbara is a human that lives in the house below the rat family and she enjoys her television shows.

Yours in writing
Benjamin